I love sleep and am usually the type of person who falls asleep almost as soon as my head hits the pillow. Tonight, however, is not one of those nights. I find that sleep has become an elusive adversary; taunting me by getting up close and in my face while remaining just outside of my grasp. Tonight no position I can maneuver myself into, no last sip of water, no mind game to attempt to lull my brain to rest, nothing can quiet my soul. I am the slow kid in a game of tag who is one moment away from victory, but is really playing a game she will never win. I am quite literally restless. All of this seems pretty dramatic, I know, but when I can't sleep it generally means that I have either had too much caffeine, God has a specific person/people in mind for me to pray for, or God is wanting to address something inside of me.
As I have finally succumb to the fact that I am not going to be sleeping anytime soon I find myself in tears before my savior. I have reached a point in waiting where I simply cannot do it in my own strength. In the past I have been comfortable with waiting, too comfortable. Waiting meant safety. In waiting I didn't have to fear failure; I could simply sit and be comfortable. The truth is that I didn't understand biblical waiting. Biblical waiting is active, it is exciting, but it is also painful.
My favorite chapter of the bible is Romans 8. In the Message Romans 8:22-28 says:
All around us we observe a pregnant creation. The difficult times of pain throughout the world are simply birth pangs. But it’s not only around us; it’s within us. The Spirit of God is arousing us within. We’re also feeling the birth pangs. These sterile and barren bodies of ours are yearning for full deliverance. That is why waiting does not diminish us, any more than waiting diminishes a pregnant mother. We are enlarged in the waiting. We, of course, don’t see what is enlarging us. But the longer we wait, the larger we become, and the more joyful our expectancy.
Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God’s Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don’t know how or what to pray, it doesn’t matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That’s why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good.
I feel as though I have reached a precipice. I am standing at the top and God has said "You are going to jump, but not yet." This feels like the absolute worst place I can be: I see the jump that I am going to take, I am terrified but am willing to take it, and now God is saying wait? God has spoken to me specifically about many things that I have been waiting for for a long time. Suddenly I see what appears to me to be the first fruits of all of them. I am standing at the beginning of a long anticipated race. Heart racing, body pulsing, I wait for the blast of the starting pistol! It doesn't come. It is all so close I can almost feel it, almost taste it, almost.
This place I am in, this place of everything suddenly being real and before me but just outside of my reach. This is one of the hardest places I have ever been. I begin attempting to protect myself, my mind casts out warnings:
"Don't get too excited."
"It might not happen."
"Maybe I didn't really hear God."
"What if I have been wasting months believing for something that isn't really going to happen?"
It's these moments of panic where God quiets my soul and speaks clearly to me:
"My sheep know my voice."
"You know my voice."
"Place your faith in me."
"I am placing you on solid ground."
"I will always give you my best for you."
As God's gentle voice soothes my soul I am reminded that all I need to do is listen and obey. I don't need to fear placing the desires of my heart into the hands of my father. More than anything I want His sovereign will to reign in my life and I know that His timing is best. It is time to stop living off of my own strength and come back to a place of complete reliance on God. Time to make room for my Spirit to lead; for wordless groans to become prayers out of a place where words will never be enough. So for now I wait, I pray, and I thank God that right now I am living in the midst of His best for me. I am reminded that best doesn't mean easiest, and it is not a promise that things won't be painful. However, it is a place of supernatural peace and joy. So I come back to the word of God and find myself able to rejoice in the waiting. I am fully calm and content knowing that standing on this precipice waiting for the resonating boom of the starting pistol is the place where I am supposed to be. Sleep no longer seems so far away.
