10 Year Anniversary

     On this day 10 years ago I became a follower of Jesus. That moment changed everything, and I will never be able to find words that truly express the depths of my gratitude. I had thought that I would do something special to celebrate this day, but I ended up spending my day just as I would any other Wednesday. However, there is a specific reason for that.

     My testimony used to be a sob story about all of the "terrible" things that had happened to me before the moment when Christ came and saved me. That has some truth to it, but Christ has so much more for us than a single moment from years past. I remember a pastor once saying something to the effect of: "If your testimony isn't constantly changing then something is terribly wrong." I did not like that, I liked my sob story the way it was, thank you very much! The truth was that I didn't like that because my testimony wasn't changing. I wasn't allowing God to move in me and speak to me in new ways because that would mean admitting my flaws and having to humble myself before the Lord.

     Over the last four years I have learned how true that statement really is. God desires to speak to us, to transform us, and to use us to build His kingdom. God's investment is so much bigger than a single moment, and God's invitation is a lifetime of knowing Him. Over the course of my life there have been many ups and downs, but God has always been faithful. God has taken root in my life and transformed me from within. 

     God wants us to invite Him into all of the parts of our life. Not just the moment when we walk into the Church building, or the moment when everything seems to be crumbling around us, but the day-to-day normal stuff too. He was present as I joked with my students this morning, He was present when I went for a run, and He was present when I was being advised by my student's parent to go to Alaska to find a husband (yes, this really did happen today). So today I celebrated 10 years of walking in relationship with my best friend, my savior, by living a normal day. I am reminded that deep relationship is not often built in a few big monumental moments, but in living life together day in and day out. 

Call to Ministry Essay

     Today I turned in my application for RTI (Reach Training Institute), a ministry school through the Alliance denomination. In order to apply I had to write a call to ministry essay that included the story of my becoming a Christian and why I feel called to ministry. Now all that's left is to pray and wait. Here is my essay:

            When I was sixteen years old my friend Melissa invited me to her youth group. I distinctly remember watching a group of people praying for a sobbing girl named Brianna and thinking: This girl’s life must be really messed up for her to cry in front of all of these people. I didn’t understand what was happening, and the thought of opening myself up to the point where I would cry openly in front of a group of people was unfathomable. My entire life had been spent learning to keep parts of myself hidden, it meant survival and it meant safety. I believed that the only possibility of being loved by those around me relied on my ability to hide that which made me unlovable. I was drawn to the foreign love and acceptance that I saw in this little group and found myself coming back each week. I wasn’t sure about God, but I was completely drawn in by the way that God was moving in and through the people in this community.

A few months later I went on a youth retreat with the group. During a time of worship I was overcome by God’s presence. I saw an image of the cross in my childhood bedroom: the place where my most desperate tears were cried, where I would dare myself to gain the courage to end my life, where I felt completely alone. God entered that place and revealed His love for me. I was not alone, I was deeply loved by the God who created the universe and knit me together in my mother’s womb. I spent hours on the floor weeping as God poured His love out on me. Words of truth were spoken over places where lies had previously reigned.

As I opened the door to my high school the following Monday, just like I did every school day, I stopped to marvel at the fact that everything around me seemed the same as it had before. Physically, everything was the same, but I knew that everything was different. A piece of eternity had taken root in me and my life had become a stark contrast to my surroundings. As my foot crossed the threshold and I stepped into the building it was a different person entering than the one who had entered the previous Friday. I had been made new.

God used a community of people to draw me to Himself. Young teens who were transparent with where they were at and loved each other deeply and authentically guided my first steps toward God. I am very thankful for the way that I became a follower of Christ, because I got to see the power of God moving within a community of people who had come together to seek Him. I believe that authentic community lived for the glory of God can transform lives, neighborhoods, cities, and the nations. My desire is to be a part of creating environments where people who don’t know Christ can come and see God moving in the lives of the people around them. Creating places where God is seen and glorified through the way people love and are loved.

I first came to Church on the Hill in January of 2011. I had watched my former community split in different directions and was left feeling lost and forgotten. Coming to Church on the Hill was a breath of fresh air. During this time God began walking me through healing from wounds that I had held onto like a little girl clutches her security blanket. I ended up moving in with a person from the church that I hardly knew, Becca Couch, and I got to witness first-hand the power of her immense faith. As I watched the interaction of a healthy community centered on Christ I began to learn what it means to live beyond myself.

In June of the following year Becca and I started a community house called the Cube. We began with six girls and a goal of living intentional, authentic lives for Christ. During that time I was a part small group with two other girls. We noticed that the church had a lot of young adults without an outlet to plug-in beyond Sundays. Our weekly small group meetings turned into a dedicated time to pray for young adults and seek God’s will for a young adult ministry. My plan was to help during the summer and step back when my job began again in the fall. As summer came to an end we had a meeting to lay out our vision. During that meeting I felt God say “I am calling you to this.”

My plan for the next year took a dramatic shift. I didn’t know much at all about ministry, let alone launching something from scratch. I began asking questions and seeking knowledge wherever I could get it. I joined middle school ministries, as an observer of sorts, so that I could have an example of what it looks like to build a leadership team. Jason Treadwell, Bruce Stefanik, and Diana Miller came alongside me during this time. They taught me, encouraged me, and supported me. They had confidence in me before I had confidence in myself. They saw what God was doing in and through me and helped me to walk in that.

As I took shaky, unsure steps in obedience I came face-to-face with my inadequacies, I began to realize how ill-equipped I am to do God’s will in my own strength. Through this, I found myself living a life of complete reliance on God. As I laid down my pride God began to use my inadequacies to glorify Himself. I watched God transform a little house called the Cube and a small group of three girls into a ministry where lives were changed. We prayed together, we laughed together, we cried together, and we witnessed the power of God’s redemption.

During the first year of the Cube I constantly found myself coming back to Romans 8. It has become my favorite chapter of the Bible because it speaks so clearly of the power of God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit. Romans 8 reminds us that we are joyously anticipating the redemption of the earth. Creation is groaning with the pains of childbirth, and like childbirth, the pains are leading to the redemption of God’s creation. I need to be constantly reminded of this eternal perspective because I am so quick to forget that I have been made for eternity, not the moment that I am living in right now. This reminder humbles me and quiets my soul.

I have chosen to pursue ministry because God has given me a passion for helping others come to know Him and walk in the freedom that can only be found in Christ. I believe that I am supposed to be a part of creating community environments where people can come and see the power of the body of Christ in action. God has clearly called me to this, but has also clearly laid ministry before me as a choice. I understand the weight of a life of ministry, it means living beyond myself, and I know that that can only happen when I am fully relying on God. I never imagined myself in the place that I am at today, and that is solely because God was the one that lead me here. I am ready to devote myself to the call that God has on my life, and I believe that RTI is a powerful tool that can help me as I pursue that call.

Restless Soul

     I love sleep and am usually the type of person who falls asleep almost as soon as my head hits the pillow. Tonight, however, is not one of those nights. I find that sleep has become an elusive adversary; taunting me by getting up close and in my face while remaining just outside of my grasp. Tonight no position I can maneuver myself into, no last sip of water, no mind game to attempt to lull my brain to rest, nothing can quiet my soul. I am the slow kid in a game of tag who is one moment away from victory, but is really playing a game she will never win. I am quite literally restless. All of this seems pretty dramatic, I know, but when I can't sleep it generally means that I have either had too much caffeine, God has a specific person/people in mind for me to pray for, or God is wanting to address something inside of me.

     As I have finally succumb to the fact that I am not going to be sleeping anytime soon I find myself in tears before my savior. I have reached a point in waiting where I simply cannot do it in my own strength. In the past I have been comfortable with waiting, too comfortable. Waiting meant safety. In waiting I didn't have to fear failure; I could simply sit and be comfortable. The truth is that I didn't understand biblical waiting. Biblical waiting is active, it is exciting, but it is also painful.

     My favorite chapter of the bible is Romans 8.  In the Message Romans 8:22-28 says:

     All around us we observe a pregnant creation. The difficult times of pain throughout the world are simply birth pangs. But it’s not only around us; it’s within us. The Spirit of God is arousing us within. We’re also feeling the birth pangs. These sterile and barren bodies of ours are yearning for full deliverance. That is why waiting does not diminish us, any more than waiting diminishes a pregnant mother. We are enlarged in the waiting. We, of course, don’t see what is enlarging us. But the longer we wait, the larger we become, and the more joyful our expectancy.

     Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God’s Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don’t know how or what to pray, it doesn’t matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. He knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. That’s why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good.

     I feel as though I have reached a precipice. I am standing at the top and God has said "You are going to jump, but not yet." This feels like the absolute worst place I can be: I see the jump that I am going to take, I am terrified but am willing to take it, and now God is saying wait? God has spoken to me specifically about many things that I have been waiting for for a long time. Suddenly I see what appears to me to be the first fruits of all of them. I am standing at the beginning of a long anticipated race. Heart racing, body pulsing, I wait for the blast of the starting pistol! It doesn't come. It is all so close I can almost feel it, almost taste it, almost. 

     This place I am in, this place of everything suddenly being real and before me but just outside of my reach. This is one of the hardest places I have ever been. I begin attempting to protect myself, my mind casts out warnings: 

"Don't get too excited."

"It might not happen."

"Maybe I didn't really hear God."

"What if I have been wasting months believing for something that isn't really going to happen?"

     It's these moments of panic where God quiets my soul and speaks clearly to me:

"My sheep know my voice."

"You know my voice."

"Place your faith in me."

"I am placing you on solid ground."

"I will always give you my best for you." 

     As God's gentle voice soothes my soul I am reminded that all I need to do is listen and obey. I don't need to fear placing the desires of my heart into the hands of my father. More than anything I want His sovereign will to reign in my life and I know that His timing is best. It is time to stop living off of my own strength and come back to a place of complete reliance on God. Time to make room for my Spirit to lead; for wordless groans to become prayers out of a place where words will never be enough. So for now I wait, I pray, and I thank God that right now I am living in the midst of His best for me. I am reminded that best doesn't mean easiest, and it is not a promise that things won't be painful. However, it is a place of supernatural peace and joy. So I come back to the word of God and find myself able to rejoice in the waiting. I am fully calm and content knowing that standing on this precipice waiting for the resonating boom of the starting pistol is the place where I am supposed to be. Sleep no longer seems so far away.

My Leap of Faith

     “I love the recklessness of faith. First you leap, and then you grow wings.”
      William Sloane Coffin

   God has a way of taking a series of seemingly singular and insignificant events and tying them together in a way that glorifies Him and leaves me speechless and in awe. I work at Howard Street Charter School. A middle school in Salem that strives to provide it's students with unique opportunities to grow in a variety of ways: as students, as individual people, and as integral members of a community. One of the things that we teach is taking a responsible risk, trying something that is outside of their comfort zone. A piece of this is taking our eighth grade students to the Salem Ropes Course at the YWAM base at the beginning of each year. The YWAM base is beautiful, with stunning trees and wilderness that provide a feeling that we have escaped the city; an oasis from the day-to-day life in Salem. At the ropes course each student has to trust their life into the hands of their classmates. As they are climbing trees, or working through an obstacle course twenty feet in the air each student comes to the end of themselves. Once they've reached the end of themselves they realize that they can go just a little bit further. This is the story of my walk with Jesus, I am constantly coming to the end of myself and instead of facing failure and isolation I find myself staring into the face of my savior as He gently guides my steps and takes me to places that should be impossible, but are very possible with God. Here's the catch, God doesn't force us to take those steps. He is right there calling us to take the leap, but we get to make the choice. Do I really believe that God has my best? Do I believe that God will meet me when I've taken that step past what I know, past what I'm capable of? I experienced this in a very real way this week at the YWAM base.
     For our last event of the day we were led up a series of steps. As we climbed higher we entered deeper and deeper into the woods. At the top of the stairs there was a wooden platform standing at least twenty feet high. The platform looked awkward against all of the untamed natural beauty surrounding it. This platform leads to a swing that sends you soaring into the trees around it. You cannot experience the rush of swinging through the air surrounded by God's creation without taking the plunge from the platform into thin air, the only thing keeping you from plummeting to the ground below is a cable attached to the harness that you are wearing. I watched as student after student sat on the edge of the platform and eventually fell off of the side to go soaring through the air. The time came for me to climb the log that would bring me to the top. I had decided that if I was going to do this I was going to do this all the way. I wasn't going to sit on the edge and simply fall. I was going to step off of the platform, step into thin air, step into the unknown where my feet cannot hold me, step where I am forced to trust. I received my directions:
     "put your hands through the loops and hold onto the rope like this and then you can go." I put my hands through the loops and clenched the rope attached to the cable that I was about to trust with my life.
     "Like this?"
     "Yes."
     "So I can go?"
     "Yes."
     "I can go whenever?"
     "Yes."
     "I can just step off of the platform?"
     "Yes." 

     At this point I realized that there was no other way that I could ask the question. It was time to go, but my mind was having a hard time undoing all that I had learned from my twenty-five years of life. I am supposed to stay away from edges, I could get hurt. There was literally no next step to take, yet it was time to take the next step. I wasn't being pushed, I wasn't sitting on the edge and scooting until I fell, I simply needed to take a step. Suddenly walking wasn't so easy anymore. I have been walking most of my life, and I honestly don't put a whole lot of thought into it, I just do it, but this time I was stepping into the unknown and suddenly a single step became an insurmountable task. My heart was racing, my body was shaking uncontrollably and everything within me was fighting the next step, but then I did it. I stepped into nothing, I stepped on empty air, and just as my twenty-five years of experience had told me I would, I began to fall.
     Sometimes taking a step in faith looks a lot like failure at first. I took the risk, I stepped into air, I faced my fear, and I ended up falling just like I was afraid I would. Then I came to the end of my rope. As I reached the end of my rope my harness yanked me out of my free fall and I was soaring, gravity had lost it's hold and I was flying. I could feel the wind rushing past me as I soared through the trees. When I was falling I couldn't exactly undo what I had done and I certainly couldn't quit, but sometimes taking a leap of faith isn't a single step, sometimes it's a series of steps. It often looks like God saying
     "Step here my daughter."
     "Step here my son."
     Only after the step is taken nothing happens, a step that seems so hard to take leads to God saying
     "Now step here, and then here, and then here."
     All of the sudden we don't know where we are, and something that we thought was going to be a quick leap of faith becomes a journey into the unknown. Now nothing is familiar and we feel lost. There are many different ways to respond to this: maybe we return to what we know, maybe we try to blaze our own trail through the fog, maybe we give up and quit living all together, or maybe we continue to have faith that the God who led us into the midst of this has a plan and will guide us through. I don't know about you guys, but my initial response to feeling lost and alone is to quit and hide under the covers. It's warm in my bed, and I know that I'll be safe. When I've quit, my decisions become about me. Instead of taking the steps that I know that I am supposed to take I seek comfort. Sin that I thought was gone creeps back into my life and before I know it the covers that seemed so safe and warm become a trap as I become entangled in the blankets. I am back to being limited by my weakness, when before my weakness was an opportunity for God to glorify his strength. This has been the last couple of months of my life without me really realizing what was happening. The wonderful thing is that God is always there. He is always calling us back to him, back into a life that is beyond ourselves, a life of looking into the eyes of our savior as he guides each step. It won't be without trial, but it won't be without joy either. Sometimes it looks like waiting, but He is always with us through the waiting and the disbelief. It almost always looks entirely different than we expect, but that's what happens when we step into the unknown, and it's usually above and beyond what we could imagine. He is always with us, and we will always find Him at the end of our rope. We simple need to continue taking each step of faith as He paves the way before us.

  

Q&Q 2013

Questions:

Am I a shepherd or a shepherd watcher?

Will I obey God despite the outcome?

If I'm not fishing am I really following Jesus?

What does taking responsibility for our generation look like?

How do we become the church that the world can't live without?

How can we provide our generation with a vision?

What's the tide that God wants to bring in?

Am I aware of my inherent strengths as a woman?

What is my purpose in this season?

Do I believe that God really wants the best for me?

Who do you say I am?

How do we balance form and freedom?

How can I understand the supernatural  if I am bound by the natural?

Do we build the team around the roles, or the roles around the team?

What systems need to be in place for young adults?

What is my time commitment for young adults?

Will I trust God to write my love story?

Quotes:

"The more child-like we are the quicker we adjust."

"There are people who are thrown into the pit with the lion, and there are those who jump into the pit."

"God gives the what before the how."

"Sometimes we are awkward huggers when it comes to the grace of God"

"The right thing at the wrong time becomes the wrong thing."

"We don't put our trust in a plan, we put our trust in Jesus."

"The difference between compassion and sympathy is action."

"The greatest thing that I could ever do for the crowds I lead is getting alone with God."

"Youth ministry is when the youth are doing the ministry."

"God didn't call us so that we can be successful, He called us to be faithful."

"Don't examine the bible, let the bible examine you."

"One of the worst things to do for college ministry is to have a college ministry."

"If Bruce says to read a book, read it!"

"When we walk in humility we have unity."

"Expectations kill gratefulness."

"When eternity is involved there is more than till death do us part at stake. There is the very heart of God for the rest of the world to see."

"We don't have a marriage problem, we have a faith problem."

"Every generation has to have its own prophetic voice."

"You don't marry the person that you can live with, you marry the person that you can't live without. We can't be the church that the world can live with, we need to be the church that the world can't live without."

"There's something about a goal that makes discipleship make sense."

"A rising tide floats all boat, whether yachts or leaky rowboats. We are the tide of this generation."

"If I am not filled with the holy spirit I am filled with something else."

"If you try to find intimacy with another person before achieving a sense of identity on your own, all your relationships become an attempt to complete yourself."

"We need to practice the basics before jumping into the thing that we want to do."

"It takes a lot of trust to get someone who is wounded to reveal their wound."

"Wounded people tend to get stuck emotionally in the place where they were wounded."

"What if God didn't give us marriage to make us happy, but to make us holy?"

"There's a time to pray, and a time to have sex." -Bruce

"Life is change, growth is optional."

"Truth without love is attacking. Love without truth is avoiding. We need truth in love mingled with grace."

"Our willingness to wait reveals how much we value what we are waiting for."

"If you complain you remain, if you praise you raise."

"Biblical waiting involves expectations."

"God gives us suddenlies and little-by-littles."

"Patience is the difference between trying faith and doing faith. It is having a spirit that refuses to surrender to circumstance."

"Fear, worry, and rejection are all a form of pride; they rob our peace and joy."

"Gifts from God are to be used for others and community. A season of singleness is a gift from God, and should be used for community."

"Conflict is like fire, it can either burn you horribly or it can illuminate your path."

"If a leader casts a new vision without changing systems nothing happens."

"The only thing that will be sustainable is something that people are willing to commit to."

"Spiritual maturity is measured by how readily we respond to the person of God rather than the promises of God. It involves coming to the place where who is asking is more important than what we are being asked to do."

I Would Do This

Today I got a bill from the Oregon Department of Revenue for unpaid taxes, penalty and all. My first thought was "I PAID MY TAXES and I'll prove it!"

Away to the computer I went!

I looked up where it took the payment out of my account and sure enough US Treasury $79

 Full in my glory of "I'm right and the ENTIRE State of Oregon Government is wrong!!!!" I ran up the stairs to find the receipt

I pulled out the receipt and sure enough Nicole J Darby (that's me) paid $79 in taxes!

And then I saw it...

Big Bold Green Letters: Federal Payment

I paid the Federal Government what I owed the State 

Time to pay my taxes... again (sigh) 

Poems that I wrote years ago

Paths Entwined

Every person

On every path

Leaves a trail behind

When two paths cross

The trails… now left

Will forever be combined

Soon those trails

Become a web

Of lives that we have known

On my path

Which leads my life

Your trail has really shown

(June 15, 2005)

The Missing Piece

A part of me is missing

A part I cannot see

The gap within my heart

I’m searching for desperately

Fill it up with friends

But soon I find again

The gap within my heart

I’m searching for desperately

Plug it up with ignorance

Then it drains down, and leaves

The gap within my heart

I’m searching for desperately

Tune it out with life

Until I’m forced to see

The gap within my heart

I’m searching for desperately

Turn to God for help

And that’s when he shows me

The gap within my heart

That Jesus filled for me

(April 24-25, 2005)

 

This Is Just To Say

One word can change a life forever

So be careful what you say

With all the words we’ve shared

Life will never be the same

It’s too late now

We can’t go back

We filled the others life

With desperation, pain, and grief

In this never ending battle

Full of deception, fear, and rage

Fifteen years have come and gone

And even though I’ve left

The battle still rages

Behind closed doors

And now I'm full of hate

(Freshman Year)

Warning

When I am old I will not care

‘bout what I say or what I wear

I’ll take pills morning, noon, and night

Then I’ll sit down and watch the price is right

I’ll drink lots of prune juice

To keep my bowels loose

I’ll be the one who wants to see

Things the way they used to be

I’ll talk about the young hoodlums full of rage

Who should have seen what life was like when I was their age

I’ll feel my knee in lot’s of pain

Right before it starts to rain

I’ll talk about the “good old days”

When we were teens going through our rebellious phase

Now that all is said and told

Thank God that I am not yet old

(2004)